I’m an MM, yes.
But no, I’m not the perfect, confident and “holy” Jo that you’d think I’d be. For those of you who don’t know what an MM is, we basically armourbear our DGL; you could call us mini DGLs? Haha anyway, there are people who think that I’m ALWAYS cheerful, so “holy”/set apart, but you know what. I’M FAR FROM THAT HA HA HA. SURPRISE. I was journaling before EJ and I found myself writing how tough 2014 has been, how sick I was crying myself to sleep and just feeling so down.
It was hard yes.
Wait, now let’s see what the Lord has done for me through Legacy.
Firstly, it was not on my expectations list to be bonded with my girlies, because tbh I’d expected us to be in 3 different “cliques” and for it to be hopelessly awkward. But by the first night, we were the NOISIEST table and we were all laughing so loudly that we all couldn’t catch our breaths. Through EJ, I really got to know them all more, and I’m really thankful that the Lord has restored the years the locusts had eaten.
(if ya’ll didn’t know, something happened between Shannon and I, and also with Lynn ahhah but PRAISE THE LORD EVERYTHING’S COOL NOW!)
So i'm going to be really vulnerable here, because you know through my weakness, then the Lord can shine through my life, and everyone will know that it's the Lord working in me! since the start of 2014, i've been going through really tough phases of life, whether it was academic, family, relationship wise, it was nothing compared to 2013. 2013 was the smoothest year for me; that's a another whole story.
and i was just telling the Lord to mend my broken heart in this camp...
I'm not sure if you guys remember but there was this once Pastor Daniel actually had a ministering for those who had suicidal thought. And yes, i was one of them whom the call spoke to me.
(surprise number 2)
For the past half of the year, i constantly felt insignificant, and sometimes i lost sight of WHY i'm even alive. Those thought of, "even if i die, no one will even notice. even if they did, would they care? NO."
i was trapped in this arena of emotions in which it gradually hit me harder each time, and the overwhelming thoughts of suicide grew stronger.
This went on for many months and i gradually found it harder and harder to stay positive, or joyful. even if i truly did, they never really lasted. And i started to question if i was going through depression. For those of you in school who know me, i'm always cheerful on the outside because sometimes i just don't want people to ask me what happened. haha it was just tough because i felt like i was depressed.
(Things got better a few weeks before my birthday (in May), when i spoke to my mum and i told her about my suicidal thoughts.)
Those of you who can relate to me, let me just admit that these feelings are very real.
But you know what, we have a savior whose even more real.
His name is Jesus.
But you know what, YOU'RE NOT WHAT YOU FEEL. You feel depressed, but you're NOT under depression. You feel insignificant, but you're not insignificant.
Pastor Prince had this call where he wanted to pray for those who were trapped in the arena of emotions, and were easily moved and uprooted because of that. He wanted to lay hands on those who went up, and be able to learn from the Lord HOW to deal with such emotions) i went up, got prayed and felt nothing.
But you know what, you don't need to feel something to receive and be touched by the Lord!
after which i went to help to catch and be a line former at the same time. FYI, yes i'm serving in 2 ministries MM and RSM! :-) so when i went to serve, at that moment when i was preparing to catch for one of my DG members, THE LORD SPOKE TO ME.
The funny thing is that the Lord spoke to me not when hands were laid on me, but when i was serving in His house. Amazing! to all those who served during camp, know that you will not be shortchanged, because the Lord will never take away something without restoring MORE unto you!!! And when you serve in the house of the Lord, you won't miss out, because He CAN and He WILL speak to you right where you are. The double portion is indeed there when you AVAIL yourself to serve.
# WOWSOMUCHLOVE
(This comes the part where the Lord spoke to me, and if you're still reading, i wanna appreciate you! haha, and i hope you're blessed by what i've shared. )
A little background info: as some of you may know, i have a pretty big family, parents and 3 siblings plus a helper at home. At times when i break down, i have nowhere to go except, yes you got it.
THE TOILET.
And so during ministering, i was just serving when the Lord revealed images of me breaking down all by myself, with muffled sobs and a throbbing head ache. And I'm telling i hated those memories. it reminded me of how WEAK i was, how easily defeated i was. They were the last things i wanted to recall at this camp, yet the Lord showed them to me.
Immediately, i wanted to shut this thoughts down and i was like NO no no no please, stop. But before i did, there was a voice, so calming and peaceful that said,
"No, it's alright."
In such loving tenderness, He came right where i was and touched me.
You know what guys, from that ministering, the Lord just told me that it was okay to be vulnerable before Him. He knows what you're going through and how you feel, but it's one thing to feel these things, and another to TELL the Lord about it. Like David, who wrote in the book of Psalms when he was happy or down or fearful. And i really like what Kaili, one of my roomie shared with me.
so this is a small part of what i've recevied from EJ!
i hope you guys are blessed by it hehe.
Josephine
